You don't have asthma, your pregnant
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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