it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
