she takes plan B like it's going out of style
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize