wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
