On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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