the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
