Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
