Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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