if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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