Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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