The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
