nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
