Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
