take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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