He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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