You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
