So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
