Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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