theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
