you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
