There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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