Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
