this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
