I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
