Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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