Don't make out with my wife yet
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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