They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
