Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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