ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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