i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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