The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
