also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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