Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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