Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
