No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
