So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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