So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
