history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
