we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
