There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
