yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
