its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
