you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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