oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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