I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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