yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
