roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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