Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
