You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
