This is not my ceiling
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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