I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
