Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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