How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize