If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
