Is it normal to miss your booty call?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
