you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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