my room smells like sperm. sweet.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
