Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
