how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
