OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sorry about my life...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
