Please, let me fuck your mom
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
