u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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